Wednesday, 8 September 2010

And so I rant....or 10 things they don't tell you about the jobs you have to do whilst trying to break into the performance industry

Firstly, please let me apologise for the collective whingeing that is about to take place within this post.  There shall be no homage to the latest outfit I'm coveting or the sumptuous bubble bath I've been indulging in, nor will I be regaling you with stories of prestigious events I have been attending.  This blog post is purely an outlet for my artistic frustration and overall dissatisfaction with my latest promo escapade and the general public that I am unfortunate enough to meet along the way.  Please note upon saying "you" I do not mean literally you that are reading my blog, so please do not take this attack personally, unless of course you are one of the ten mentioned below.

1.  I haven't had an audition for what feels like months....oh has been months and I'm parading around in a gold prom dress handing out free tissues making a fool out of myself, so when you exclaim "so you're a (insert brand here) model" and I respond with "representative, I'm not a model" and then you go on to say "do you feel like you've reached the top of your game?"  I'd just like to let you know that comment was NOT COOL.

2.  Nor is it cool that when I'm handing out free alcohol samples that are restricted to one per person for health and safety reasons, you come and grab another one.  After politely telling you that the sampling is one per person, I don't find it particularly cool either that you speak to me as if I don't have two brain cells to rub together and say something along these lines "Don't worry your pretty little head about it.  I'm just trying to go to work, just like you are.  Chill out.  Just smile, it's not worth worrying about.  I'm going to take this drink and you're just going to get over it because lifes too short for you to be worrying about this."  I find it even more uncool that I was so shocked at the tone at which you spoke to me (I should know better) that I spent the best part of an hour thinking of how I should have responded.  FYI  if you're reading this, rude woman from Waterloo my favourite come back to date is "I'm assuming the job you're on your way to doesn't require people skills."

3.  Are you seriously going to make me explain to you what a tissue is and the concept behind this marvellous invention?  Oh and ps that whole 20 minute decision crisis over whether you should take my free sample or not  was just a little ridunkulous....not to mention the fact that when you finally did take it you then had immediate free sample remorse and handed it back, what I'd like to know is how long did your husband have to wait for a response after he proposed?!

4.  Telling a colleague that we need said tissues we're sampling to "wipe our vagina's with"....not cool on multiple levels.

5.  Spitting in all of the drinks we've just poured as well as all over me and then laughing about it is disgusting behaviour and not something that you should be proud of. EVER.

6.  Asking me "Can none of you go out and get proper jobs instead of just handing out free stuff?" will result in me crying the whole way home.  Thank you.

7.  Calling me a stupid girl when I try to stamp your hand (I did ask nicely first) so we can monitor you've taken one of the alcohol samples (again because its one per person for health and safety reasons) is not just rude but completely demoralising.  If I were stupid I wouldn't have got good G.C.S.E's, A Levels, a really good Degree, a place at an Acting school in New York, an Irene Ryan Award nomination by the American College Theatre Festival, a job at the World's biggest publishing house Hachette Filipacchi and respectively the Worlds biggest selling fashion magazine, Elle.  So forgive me but no wonder I secretly smiled when you spilt your drink down your suit after leaping away from me whilst berating me as "stupid!"

8.  Nor is the stamping a tagging device for the Government, you are now the 10th person to joke/ask me that today.

9.  Blowing your nose into one of our free tissues and then throwing it in one of the tissue bins we were sampling from for me to find later and yes I did know you did it on purpose, is gross, you're older than me, I expect this kind of childishness from a child but an adult, that's just plain wrong.

10.  And finally, basically insinuating that you'd like me to stamp your penis, is a, beyond me b, not funny and c, kind of sexual harrassment.  Just saying.

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